The Famine's Nick Nowell Offers Vegan Kung Pao Recipe
"In the past two or three months, I've been working on perfecting a relatively healthy vegan version of the kind of Kung Pao vegetables that you can get for $4.50 at any cheap Asian food place in America," Nowell told Noisecreep. "Here is my version. Jonny Christmas, our bassist, has dubbed it 'Nick Pao Vegetables.'"
Nowell is convinced that once you make his version of Kung Pao, you will never pay for it in a restaurant again.
1 Zucchini, quarted and chopped into 1/4 inch pieces
2 carrots, chopped likewise, halved where necessary for size
2 ribs of celery, chopped
1/2 cup of cashews, chopped roughly (peanuts, if you prefer...Ugly American)
1 can of sliced water chestnuts, drained and chopped roughly
1 heavy tablespoon of minced garlic
3-5 dried chilis (to taste), bifurcated
1/2 tablespoon of chili flakes
1 teaspoon MSG (more on this later)
1 tablespoon Hoisin sauce
1 tablespoon chili paste
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
A few dashes of soy sauce
1 cup dry (2 cups cooked) basmati rice
"Before we begin, calm down about MSG," Nowell said. "If MSG bothers you in small does, it is because you are an idiot. The next time you have a headache, swallow some candy and convince yourself it's Tylenol, because you are a douche and the force of the placebo effect is strong with you, young jerk off."
He continued, "Cook the cup of basmati rice according to the directions, generally 1 cup basmati to 1 and 3/4 cups water. Add a pinch of salt and a bit of oil, cook the rice on low for 15 minutes, voila. While this is going, combine all of the other aforementioned ingredients but the oil and the soy sauce in a medium bowl.
"Heat the oil in a large skillet to medium high heat, until it hits around 400 degrees. Toss in the contents of a bowl. Stir it regularly, and then toss a few dashes of soy sauce over the mix. Keep it moving for 5 to 8 minutes, until the zucchini softens up. Serve on a bed of delicious basmati, serves 3-6. I make it once a week. This version is spicy and incredibly filling, so you'll never buy it again. Don't eat the dried peppers."